My partner has a porn problem. He not only denies the problem but blames me. Help!
It’s a very difficult situation when you discover a partner has a problem with pornography and “denies” that he has a problem then “blames” you for his problem. Here are some suggestions:
Learn about the addiction process
Addiction is a recognizable process with certain characteristics and stages. Regardless of whether the substance is alcohol, drugs, or pornography the addiction cycle is very similar. Most professionals believe there are several stages of addiction.
Initial Stage. The initial stage of addiction is typically one in which the user experiences “joy and pleasure” or with the case of pornography “arousal”. See Spring Season of Addiction.
Blame and denial are part of the addiction process
Middle Stage. Next, there is a stage in which the user develops “tolerance” and “dishonesty.” It’s during this stage the user begins to experience problems as a result of use. In addition, at this time the user begins to use the substance (viewing of pornography) to cope with these problems. See Summer Season of Addiction.
Typically, it’s during this middle stage of addiction the user strengthens the use of his/her self-defense mechanisms of “blaming” and “denial.” “Blaming and Denial” are viewed as “symptoms” that the addict is progressing through the addiction process and NOT a reflection of the behavior of any partner.
It is not your fault
Speaking of a partner’s pornography problem, the following question was asked by a loved one:
Q: Is this somehow my fault?
A: This question is evidence of one of the most damaging consequences of addiction for the partner. Many women fear that they were somehow not “enough” in the marriage and consequently their husbands turned to porn and sexual addiction. Unfortunately, some men reinforce this fear in a misguided effort to place the blame on their wife instead of accepting the responsibility for their own behavior. The majority of sexual addicts had problems with sexual compulsivity before they were married. As the partner of an addict, you are not responsible for the sexual addiction. It is not your fault. See: Ask An Expert from Out of the Light.
Late stage. One of the later stages of addiction is “disease-like.” The user’s ability to change weakens. See Fall Season of Addiction. Boyd K. Packer describes this stage by saying:
“Addiction has the capacity to disconnect the human will and nullify moral agency. It can rob one of the power to decide” “Revelation in a Changing World,” Ensign, Nov. 1989.
It’s during this late stages of pornography addiction that significant brain chemistry occurs. See: Does viewing pornography really affect the brain?
Addiction “ALWAYS” affects surrounding loved ones
A rather widely accepted notion is that when addiction strikes an individual, the surrounding loved ones also develop “symptoms”. These symptoms are different than the “addicts” and are often referred to as “Codependent” behaviors. Without education a partner dealing with an addict’s “blaming” and “denying” may develop such codependent behaviors as: self-doubt, low self-esteem, and anger. When this occurs things get worse. See LDS Family Adjusting to Addiction. With proper education a partner can learn non-codependent behavior and help themselves while they help the addict.
Resources
Read:
- Help and Support for Spouses: Supporting Someone with a Pornography Addiction. LDS Church Website
- Discussing Pornography Problems with a Spouse: Confronting and Disclosing Secret Behaviors, Rory C. Reid and Dan Gray
- Codependent No More: Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, Melody Beattie
- My Partner has a Porn Habit Mark Chamberlain
- Help, a loved one is using pornography S.A Lifeline Foundation
Attend:
LDS Support Groups for spouse, family and friends. These “Women’s, Spouse, Family & Friends” Support Groups are free and follow a 12 step model. Locate the one nearest you on LDS Family Services website. Located at: Addiction Recovery Support Groups. Or call the LDS Family Services nearest you at: Directory of LDS Family Services.
Voices For Virtue Staff
