What about porn and dating?
Why should I talk about porn with those I date?
Now days, everyone has been exposed to porn. Exposure can motivate a person to actively and repeatedly seek out porn to fulfill sexual desire. This constant consumption is addictive, causing a hormonal release that affects the brain in a way similar to cocaine. Besides creating a dependency, porn changes how we value our bodies, relationships, view others, and is a destructive force in dating and marriage.
Discussing porn with those we date allows us to ascertain another’s history of porn exposure, consumptions and their attitude towards actively seeking out porn. Opening up communication and establishing mutual expectations can help guide relationship decisions. Especially when developing serious relationships, discussing porn can help establish rules to protect your relationship and future family.
When should I have this discussion?
Porn is a sensitive topic. Nonetheless, it is important to discuss porn early on as you become emotionally committed in the relationship. Porn should be brought up on more than one occasion and on various levels depending on the commitment level of the relationship.
Closeness and relationship expectations can guide these discussions.
What should I say?
Share the importance of open communications and the care you have for the other person. Then bring up the need to discuss pornography despite the awkwardness of the topic. Items that should be discussed include: honestly explore both of your histories in terms of porn exposure, consumption, and attitudes towards porn. If a problem arose in the past or continues in the present, mention what actions are or have been taken to fix it.
Useful questions could be:
-How have you been exposed to porn?
-Have you actively sought porn?
-If so, what was the frequency and surrounding circumstances?
-When did you last seek porn?
-Do you view porn as a problem?
-What actions have you taken to stop or protect yourself from porn in the past? The future?
What if the person I am dating views porn?
While you should appreciate their willingness to share delicate information, don’t underestimate porn. Become educated and carefully weigh the emotional risks. Learn more about porn addiction by reviewing the FAQ question: My partner has a porn problem. He not only denies the problem but blames me. Help!
Ending an addiction is a grueling process that takes significant commitment and time (usually 7-12 months abstinence to start gaining recovery), and often involves sporadic relapses. Changing attitudes and behaviors can take years.
As you gauge how this problem affects your relationship, prayerfully assess:
-The person’s willingness to start recovery steps?
-Steps the person is currently taking?
-Steps the person plans to take in the future?
Consider setting rules regarding the progression or continuance of the relationship. Speak with your bishop or other trusted individuals, such as family, counselors and close friends, to gain perspective. Supporting recovery is helpful; policing another’s addictive behavior is not.
(Adapted from SALifeline)
Resources:
- My Boyfriend Looks at Porn and I Hate It, Mark Chamberlain
Voices For Virtue
